Rumours abound that the Duke of Cumberland (affectionately known as The Bloody Butcher) has invaded Scotland to quell The Jacobite Rebellion at Culloden.
We now hand you over ''live'' to our Scottish correspondent in the field...
Well now yes it's all starting to turn into a bit of a stramash now the big sausage and his chippolata mercenaries have managed to get this far north. Sadly I have to report that things are not going well for the Tartan Army as they are well and truly getting humped by the English, led by General Sir Gazza of Gascoigne...
In the interests of balanced reporting it should also be pointed out here that half the English are actually Scots who were too chicken to stand against the English king and, perhaps knowing which side their bread was buttered, took the Kings shilling to fight their fellow Scots.
As I speak I believe I am witnessing one of the most terrible events in the history of Scotland which could lead to it finally being subjugated by the English crown.
A further report will follow in the coming days as events unfold although as I gaze towards the highlands from the moor I can see in the river a Salmond leaping up through the falls, perhaps giving hope that one day independence from England might come.........
